stuff.

I have this thing about packing. I seriously dislike it. No, I hate it. I do. I get all cooped up in feelings and memories and a strange sadness just saps me to my core. I can't express why I feel this way about the whole ordeal, it just is.

I lay out all the things, the stuff, the utter nonsense, that I may want to bring on my bed, and then whittle it down to what I really need. Slowly, though, I begin to get distraught. I make the decision to take or leave something, then automatically second guess myself, and wonder and ponder if I do really need an object or not. I feel tied down to all this stuff, when, in fact, I could care less. Really, I could. But then, I can't. I need to careful go through everything, dissect the articles of clothing and artists' materials, the nicknacks and the literature, and wonder if I really, truly need it.

I hate to think that I'm one of those people that needlessly overpacks. To me, it is such a bad thing, a weakness. To be overpacked is to mean that you are dependent upon worldly goods rather than oneself. I hate the idea that I am dependent upon the clothes I cram into a suitcase, the books I shove into a backpack, and then the groceries I pile on top. It's ridiculous. Really.

Then, I get myself down, in the realization that I may never be one of those people that can just pack a backpack and hit the road.

But that's who I want to be. Just one bag, and one journey, only needing me.

birthdays, bird masks, and bad romance.

Yesterday was exhasting, but, the moment I finally got home, I just was unable to stop. I had all this pent up energy, a mad man running around the house, shrieking with the dog, unstoppably dancing to Kings of Leon. Later and later it got, and then, I decided to film a movie for my very, very good friend Anna K Oh! (http://grey-hoodie.blogspot.com/). Today is her 19th Birthday. Because we can't be together, I needed to do something special. That meant a filming a movie. Now, many of my friends always have stories of how they used to make little movies all the time. I never did such things. I think being in front of a camera is weird. I look tall and awkward and too tall to be allowed.

Needless to say, this one's for Anna K Oh!, KNOWN TO ROCK THE MICROPHONE!

Anna,

I love you. Really, I love you lots, whole big bunches and ooddles of love spill out from my thoughts about you. You and I always have the best of times together, from dancing in front of your mirror, to Thanksgiving, to jamming in the car, to secret cuddles on Annalise's bed, to helping me frantically move out of my apartment, and snow storms, and everything and anything else. Baby, you da best. Fo sho. Your like bright lights that make me feel brand new.

I hope your 19th year is a big one. We have another semester together, and a world of opportunity beyond that. Do what you want, and love what you want, and always, always keep smiling. Because you do that real good. Again, fo sho, and again, I love you, ooddles.

p.s.

i'm adding more dancing to my life. i used to dance alot. everywhere. and for no reason. i'm going to start doing that again.

okay.

So, here's the deal. I'm going to take a big step and try to do two, because I think two would be the most beneficial, as well as help to maybe tap me into 'responsibility' mode, or some nonsense like that.

I'll be taking on 'story time' for numerous reasons, including: comments, me not having written anything of substance this past year (and being very disappointed in myself whenever Carol or Josh ask me of such), and also, for my mother. Today, I drove her to work at the early seven am, and all the while, me in a morning fog, she talked and talked about me being an author, illustrating the Christmas story I wrote three years ago, and getting it published come next Christmas (really unrealistic mom, seriously), as well as telling me, 'not to lose your writing abilities!'

The thing is, I'm afraid I already have.

But, I will persevere, with some help, no?

And there it is, a story a day! It may be six words, or a paragraph, or a page, or maybe, I might begin one story and just keep it going, if I feel like it. You know, this is all about feeling it, so that's what I'll do, feel it all out. I'll also make sure to post each day's story, to keep me in check and you (whoever is out there) informed. Maybe I'll start up a new blog just for stories?

Also, I will do dailies! I've never been able to keep a journal, but always wanted to! I think this would be the best way to go about it, you know, keeping the art in check with the who 'me' thing. I'll post these once a week, keeping me in check, you informed. Likely, these will be on the same blog as the stories. THE PROJECT BLOG! or something of the sort. Maybe just this blog? Although, I have a feeling that I may be using this more, now that I am considerably using it. The project could get lost in all the jumble.

Whatever, another worry for another time, like later tonight, when I post my first story. Huzzah!

a project.

So, I hate to say that this is a post related to Julie & Julia, but it is. It really is.

I just finished the movie, its entire two hours and some odd minutes, and can not be more joyed by a film. Mainly because of Meryl Streep. But, also, because of the story; why would I not be so completely inspired by the thought of one year, one project, and total accomplishment?

And, of course, food. I love food. It's art, really, making something wonderful from a bunch of other little wonderful somethings for the sole purpose of pleasure. I, also, love cooking, or, baking actually. I find sweet treats to be the most satisfactory, and in this holiday season, I have found that my diet has been very much replaced by the three bite nibblets that are two sugars, flours, eggs, vanilla, butter, salt, baking soda, more butter, and whatever other delicious ingredient to create a a most healthy, or, satisfying, before meal snack, meal, and dessert.

But, also, watching the movie, inevitably, as I'm sure it had done to everyone else, makes me want to start something, and continue it, for one year, on the internet, and be forced into this obsessive need to be better because others are watching, and judging, my progress.

The thing is, it is now 2010. The film focuses on Julie Powell's escapade into blogging when it was a shiny, brand-new concept in 2002. Now, eight years later, who really is reading my blog out of the millions and millions already formulated, followed, or just now being created on the our lovely inter-spaces?

Still, this is something for me, something I need to do for myself, even if no one is watching. Because, this is it. As I've said, time and again, 2010 is the year. I will accomplish, be better, at being me. So, I will begin a year long project, and, unlike the others I have begun and failed at, I will finish it.

So, now, the main question is, what will I do?

thoughts.

I have ideas for a year long project. I have to take in account what I am already doing, and what I am not currently bringing myself to do. Also, in this taking account of what I am already doing, I have to recognize my lifestyle as a college student, and therefore, the commitment I must make, or may not have to make.

What I really am saying is that I have ideas, but I realize that to make this work I have to pick something that will only require time if I want it to, but could also be something I could complete in fifteen minutes, and still feel like I accomplished what needed to be accomplished for the project.

So, here goes, my ideas. Readers, if you are out there, would you, could you please comment? Sway me in a direction? Tell me what you may interested in following, what you would like to see me succeed or fail at:

1. whitening teeth (albeit lame, but also a worthy advisory, seeing as I hate flossing. this also would possibly not be cost affective.)

2. p90x (my brother bought the workout program for christmas. yes, a workout program, so i may no longer by another skinny, white, art kid. this, though, after much reading and delving into the product, is a serious time commitment, anywhere better one hour to an hour and forty five minutes each day!)

3. story time (i would sit and write a story everyday. the story could be a sentence, a paragraph, or a few pages, depending upon my mood, my creativity, my anything.)

4. the dailie (this came from an idea my friend accomplished. she drew a small image every day to represent that day, like a journal, but with illustrations. i attempted this project once, but failed miserably. i should, and want to, try it again.)

5. illustrate (i've been reading alot lately, and definately want to continue doing so. what if i did an illustration for whatever i read that day, no matter if the reading is for school, or fun, or just in passing. it would be like preparation for a future in freelancing.)

6. ?

Try

i fear for parents' weekend at mica.

and my mother's homophobia.


In other news, tonight we had a baby. Okay, not we, but my mom threw a party with many friends, including a couple with a three year old, a toddler, and a newborn. Wonderful, wonderful, wonderful! It was finally the time to fully appreciate children. I always and forever said I liked children, because I do, because I am one, but really, the saying never was realized. Until now. Because, tonight, three wonderful children came over for me to play with, and I absolutely fell in love. With Three I learned how to undress a Barbie, and listen, and talk, and teach someone so wonderful. She can't color in the lines, or make straight lines, or follow a pattern, but still, we were able to draw and draw, and talk about colors, and fear of puppies. Wonderful. Toddler, well, he's another story. I couldn't connect. He was all energy, the entity of a handful. Just all too much, especially because, for most of the night, I was with the newborn.

All I had to do for Newborn was hold him. That was it, nothing more. Hold him and pace and bounce and let drool on my shoulder. Just for that, I was complimented, but really, it was nothing, nothing at all. To me, it was a gift, holding someone so tiny and dependent and wonderful.

Wonderful.

And that was the conclusion to a fantastic day. Because, before even all that wonder, I WENT SLEDDING! That is correct, my 6' 2" body fit on a bright green sled and flew down Shank Park's hill. It was marvelous, thrilling, and filled with utter cold given by freezing winds, cold breathe, frozen fingers, red cheeks, and Harold Bloom, the hap-hazard snowman. I enjoyed it all with Allison Cordaro, and I couldn't ask for anything more.

All in all, my break from MICA has taken and given. It has been lackluster, with zero work to be had, but for more to accomplish. Things like sleep, and children's literature, and learning so much from doing so little. By not doing anything I have learned that I will never be able to lead a life without accomplishment. Don't misunderstand, I highly enjoyed these past three weeks have been a glorious reprieve. But now, enough is enough. I'm ready to begin again. Fresh. Showered by cold and winter and sleep.

I am ready to work. To be better.

so big.

Today was that day that I did absolutely nothing. That's right, absolutely, positively nothing. It went as follows:
1. Woke up at one o'clock in the afternoon.
2. Walked into my dad's room to see what he was up to.
3. Noticed that he was watching his new, shiny, and very large television.
4. Thought, 'What the heck!?'
5. Proceeded to plop my ass down onto his goose down comforter, and joined in the television watching.
6. Did not move accept for:
a. food
7. Watched many hours of pointless, stupid, mind melting television.

Normally, I would frown upon this behavior, but today I thought nothing of it. In fact, I enjoyed it. And I hate television. But, I still found myself smiling, laughing even, not at what was on the screen, but at myself, the sight of me in the mirror (visible from the bed when the bathroom door is left open) all snugged up in the big pillows and shits.

It was a glorious day.

Tomorrow, I promis to do something.

will you feel better, better, bet-her

Hello 2010. It is nice to finally meet you.
I must apologize for our rocky beginning, but it turns out that you and I will be much better friends then could be determined from a few hours. Really, those actions were all 2009's fault, so, you and me, we should be in the clear.

I really want this year, and all its newness. I really, very much want it, and all that it and its newness can bring. The final moments, the last four months of 2009 sparked me for 2010. There really is hope beyond the mundaneness, the incessant and constant talk of, about, for, rather than the doing.

This year, this 2010, I want to be all about doing. In 2009 I was constantly in my head, with long stretches of incessant, rambling thought about the what ifs and the whys and the onlys. Great ideas were lost in the enveloping thinking. I can't bear for the same thing to happen this year. Because, it won't. I cannot and will not allow it.

This year I will reach as far and wide as my wishing will take me, without stopping to complain, or to whine and cry and bitch and moan. I will take the year by stride and better myself for the years to come. This is the year to make greatness happen. I can feel it. This is the year that will define who I can be.

This year, I will be better than last year. In everything.